some random thoughts and observations from today. actually, there's some sort of cohesive theme to all this, but just want to jot down the thoughts first. so i watched this movie called "neverwas" on the plane, and i don't know why, but i just had this very sad feeling after watching it. did you ever feel like you have a spell cast on you? like in the matrix. like how you can't really see things as they are supposed to be? when is the last time you were completely happy? i think of when i was little, and i really didn't need anything. back then things were way simpler. i feel like as life becomes more complicated, you lose focus on things that actually make you feel good and happy about. and when was the last time you dreamed about something? i was a true dreamer when i was little. i wanted to so many things, had so many crazy ideas, had my own imaginary worlds... it seemed like i could do so much back then. and now? i feel like worries and fears over failure have trapped me from doing things i dreamt about when i was little. i feel like that imaginary side of me is gone and has been replaced by a very "realistic" being. when i was a little kid, i wanted to be an artist. i drew everything and anything and on anything i found. i wrote short stories and poetry. i made little cards for people because i loved seeing how happy people were when they got my cards. when i was in elementary school, i wanted to become a kindergarten teacher because i liked little kids. and i thought kindergarten teachers were just so nice. i wanted to be a caring, loving person. in college, when i was writing my grad school apps, i talked about how i want to eventually start my own business. model it after what my grandfather had built -- a company that's more like family and community. he helped poor girls after the korean war find jobs at his factories, built schools for them in the plant premises and built a church there so they can be nurtured spiritually as well. i wanted to build a work place that felt like family. and now..... i'm an investor. i screen for new opportunities. i try to mingle with people so i can meet more people and try to pick their brains on investment ideas. i look at numbers. i try to find "value" in companies that may or may not exist. i try to estimate what our downside protection on an investment is. and i think i get paid pretty well for just sitting in front of a computer for most of the time. all this *could* potentially be interesting for someone who had dreamed about becoming a big M&A person (which i'm not, but i guess this career could lead to something like that), but no, not to me. my job totally lacks any imagination. i feel like it lacks that real impact and contribution i wanted to make. i need direction. i don't think god wants his little girl to live a life without imagination. maybe i'm going through yet another early mid-life crisis, but i dunno why i'm here and i dunno where i'm supposed to be. | 
